Doubts and Departure

Well today is the big day. On this 3rd day of August of 2009, my bag is backed. My blue folder containing my enlistment contract is in hand and contains everything I need to complete the process and begin the in-processing at Reception Battalion. My packing list has been checked off with the bare essentials: a change of clothing, extra underwear, new pack of socks, travel size toiletries, and one razor. I only packed one razor in that if I fly from MEPS to Fort Knox, I can’t bring razors on board lest I get a “shark attack” by the Homeland Security personnel.

My body is also ready. From February through my enlistment in May, my objective was the drop the pounds and body fat to pass the physical. From enlistment to this point, my days were replete with running, pushups, sit ups and a wide array of physical conditioning and good nutrition. My weight actually went into a “plateau” by not losing any more, but I did drop considerably from my weight at MEPS. Even though I visited the trough a couple of times, I never put on any more weight. My body fat as of today is 21%.

My wife is recovering and resting at home from a major, life changing surgery. She would have had this surgery earlier in the month, but it was postponed due to a legal matter. She said the legal matter was worth the postponement, and if I were in her shoes, I would have to agree. The legal battle was a great victory. It was one of the final battles to help bring an end to a nasty war with my son’s ex-mother. The catch, however, was that my wife’s surgery was five days ago, and this type of surgery has a six-eight week recovery time. Between my son and her mother, she’ll be in good hands. But still, there’s that part of me that feels that I should be here for her. She is my best friend, and I will miss her sorely.

My son, as mentioned, will help care for my wife. Those two love each other deeply, and I have confidence both will fare well when I’m gone. But, my son has been a huge part of my life since his birth. I know this goes without saying, but he is more special to me than one could imagine. The fact is I’ve had custody of him since four months old. Since the aforementioned court case is still in litigation I will not comment on it, but I will say that it was directly related to my son. I have fought for him since he was a baby and I will not stop fighting for him. These few months of being away from him will be rough on both of us. I always thought he was a gift from God in that he was a blessing to help make up for the mistakes I have made in the past.

Since my wife can’t drive, my recruiter has agreed to drive to my home to take me to his Recruiting Station to wait for the bus to pick me up. As I sit here waiting, I reflect on the things in the past nineteen years that got me to this point. Getting disqualified in 1990, getting saved on May 18, 1992, having my son in 2000 and then getting hired as a deputy sheriff, my weight issues, and my dream of having a heart attack are all on my mind. But one thing I have yet to overcome, and I hope BCT will remove it: doubts.

Yes I have some doubts. I can run a mile, I can do sit ups and push-ups, and my doubts are not in my abilities to follow orders and lean. My doubts are probably trivial, and maybe not even well founded. I am thirty seven years old. I have occasional aches and pains I didn’t have in my twenties or younger. Some times I need my upper back cracked, my muscles don’t recover as fast as they used to even though I’m doing everything to the letter. I’ve been in quasi-supervisor roles at work, from being a field training officer and senior shift deputy when the supervisor was out, so I have no doubt I can serve as a platoon guide. I have been shooting my AR-15 (nearly identical to the M-16), and I’m very familiar with that weapon plus I’m pretty good with it. So I don’t think shooting is going to be an issue.

I have no doubts I can handle the rigors of BCT, but can I keep up with the kids that are literally young enough to be my sons? I mean some of these kids are fresh out of high school, eighteen years old and some were probably athletes. Even if they smoke, I used to smoke for years and I’m willing to bet my lungs are probably still black. Where these kids are lean and hungry, I’ve been fat and bored for the past several years (until now) and the only exercise I knew was getting up to grab another soda from the fridge. I know that I had the major lifestyle change oriented in physical training and good nutrition, but this has only been for a few months. Will I be able to run the mile in my prescribed time?
Will I make it? Will I fail? Will I be the one who gets my platoon smoked? These thoughts race through my head.

Also, what will happen when I get to MEPS? Will the computers go down and it causes a delay in my shipment? Will there be something that somebody just “thought up” that could cause me to be sent home? There are so many variables and so many people involved, this is a big machine with human error being the most likely cause of any failure. And to them, I am just another number so losing me would be no consequence.


On the other hand, I feel this “doubt” will be shredded by the motivation provided by the drill sergeants. The drill sergeants will exploit our weaknesses and turn them into our strengths. For me, it will be the physical wellness aspects, but also others. I not only want to return a leaner and more physically fit than I have ever been, but also a better person. I won’t take things so personal anymore. I hope that it will toughen my skin. I also pray that BCT will help me be a more disciplined person all around. I finally hope to be able to push myself farther than my mind would ever allow myself to go. But not just for me, but for my wife and son, but also for the people I work with and the citizens I serve.

Make no mistake, I have confidence; I will make it all the way. I have faith that everything will work out as it should. There is no doubt I will come home as a soldier.

I have yet to earn that title, and until I earn it I would prefer not to tell anyone I am a soldier. I actually don’t like to use the word “Hooah” because I feel that is a word that should be used by and for soldiers, just as Semper Fi used by Marines. Those men and women, who have graduated basic combat training, have earned that title and they will be treated with the respect they have earned.

So I leave now with this thought. No matter what obstacles stand in your way, use them as stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. Use them to your advantage. Regardless of what others may think or past failures you have endured, and even to the point where you think life for you as near its end, remember, as long as there’s life, there IS hope. Have dreams to give yourself something to shoot for. Have hopes to maintain a positive attitude in success as well as failures. Aspire, to become better than what you are now. Then set yourself some goals. Without them, how are you ever going to accomplish anything? It is never intended to be an easy ride. Sweat and hard work will be on the forefront but the end result will be as satisfying as how you make it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it is time for me to go and get trained to be a soldier for the United States Army Reserve. As I tell all of my friends, “I’ll catch ya on the flip side.”

May God Bless and take care.